just like that. Its unbelievable actually, how fast life zooms by especially when one gets into the rat race of life. I can't remember when or how, but slowly, i feel less and less of a want to put down my thoughts. even on my paper diary. it just sorta happened. Even as I am typing this. I wonder, why do i not keep it all inside, why should I even record my thoughts. But these things its hard to say really. I enjoy reading all my old post, cause I like to look back, and read what I was thinking back in the days. What were my motivations, who I was, how much have I changed, have i grown. All this questions, my little blog here documents. All these answers, my little blog here reveals.

To me, as much as to you my (very few) dear readers.

So the cumulation of many events had led me think about life, and what exactly do I want in life. I had a revelation recently, that I am more competitive than ambitious. And that is not good, because my motivation is thus more external than internal. That all that i work hard to is so that I can be better than someone else. Instead I should be more ambitious, in that I make goals that I want myself to achieve, and not because I am comparing against someone else.

Which led me to think, what do I really want for myself? Somewhere along life, I got lost, and now I think i am even more lost than when I began. I have always been filled with lofty ambitions and ideals. Dreams that are so big I believe that I can change the world. If you remember not too long ago, the series of events that I was involved in.

But what about now?

I can't seem to see beyond the immediate few years. I suddenly totally know all the material things that I want, I can tell you exactly! But why have I become like that? I secretly know why. Why suddenly its all about the money. Why I am so hung up about it. Now that I know it, I need to do something about it. Because its not right. Its not right to be comfortable. I need to remind myself how upset i feel everytime I come back to this country.

This country that breaks my heart, that everywhere I look, i see prisons. People being imprisoned by a comfortable life, with no other wants, no other dreams. Nothing. HDB, 2 kids and a car. Period. That thought scares me.

If only it is enough to scare me to do something about it.

(taken from small-friend.blogspot.com)

Its almost 1am, and I really should be sleeping. But I am afraid to sleep, because I am afraid to wake up. D used to cry to sleep almost every night, but unlike him, I tend to tear in the morning. Because its when I wake up, do I realize he's not beside me, and the laptop that I still put beside my bed every night, still has skype on, but there's no one on the other end. And I look forward till the night time when I can retreat into my dreams. At least maybe in my dreams, things will be fine.

And now the rain is falling outside, with Yiruma playing on iTunes. Nope I am not sad, but I am feeling, for a lack of a better word, emo. And somewhat afraid, and worried. 2 days after the fight, and he's not online.

谁对谁错有那么重要吗？

How apt is the title of my LJ. Every day, I am still growing. Of course not physical growth, but growing as a person. Growing to be more mature, growing in my emotions, and just being a better person.

I hope we all never stop growing, because we all learn something every day. Big or small, we should remember lessons we have in life. I am very grateful for everything in my life, and for everyone!

What did you learn today?

"The only reason I don’t let you go is because you said you would always be there. No matter how many days pass, I wait for you to come right back through that door. If you never meant it, you shouldn’t have said it. You may no longer always be here but your words will never leave me."

- Boy Meets Love

So d4n13l said that his LJ can be very depressing, and that writing depressing thinks fuels negativity and makes life seems bleak. So I shall be more positive. Or at least try!

Its going to be a hard few months, but there is no need to make it harder. I can't control what happens in life, but I can try my best to control my attitude to life. Hey at the very least I am alive. Right? undaneh however asked, "since when did death become the benchmark?" hahahaha.

The joy that my friends bring to my life!

I fondly remember many posts ago, which is early this year actually, me posting about the then actual break up, because well I got a little too drunk for my own good and we all knew what happened. I did think that it was over, but I was also quite certain we would get back because despite everything, he still talked to me and I knew that our relationship meant a lot to him. Though some of my other friends will tell you that at said point in time, I wasn't quite sure, and I was making phone calls from Malaysia to my dear friend.

This time round however, he's cold and indifferent. As another dear friend said today. "Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart". How true indeed. Nothing is more painful than plain indifference. Periods of peace comes with period of aches, but no depressing post!

So here's to more positive post for me, and to the very few who knows what I am talking about, here's to the strength that I will need for the next few months.

Many years ago a boy whom I loved cheated on me, and I was devastated.

Another boy came along and stuck by me by just being there for me. When that boy first found out that I have issues controlling my emotions and my anger, he was so very loving and so very supportive. I went for counseling and had a lot of successes in controlling myself and making sure I do not do anything silly.

I also stuck by the boy for all his ups and downs, through the good, the bad and the downright nasty times. We have had many amazing memories. I kept him company through his lonely nights, made sure I always spared time to the best that I can, even if its just a 10min phone call. I flew down when it was my fault in making him upset. I flew down to keep him company for 3-4 months during my summer break. Just to be by his side

As the years passed, the boy and I have had our fights, we have had more than our fair share of breakups. But somehow we made it work, across 3776 miles and 4 years. The boy told me that honestly, the distance is too much for him to take, he misses me so terribly that its easier to break up and just forget and move on.

But as suddenly as it always has been when these things happen, the boy decided that this time round, my issues in controlling my emotions is non of his business as he has more important things to deal with, i.e. his studies. Fair enough. I fully understand the importance of his studies, and how much the family has invested and this last stretch is important. What I don’t understand is how he can just decide to walk away again. More than 10 times over. This is not the same as the missing me so terribly thing.

What am I to do? I love this boy so dearly. But for the countless times, I am stuck. And I am so angry I said angry things. I wouldn’t say I want to take them back, because those words are factual, just rough and not sugar coated.

May this be my last emo entry and may this also mark the end of 2009. It was not awful, in fact I have had many great memories of 2009. It started on a bad note and ended on an even more terrible note. I sure hope 2010 will beat 2009.

Happy New Year.

Thanks G.



photo by alexischeong

And I really hate this feeling. This start/stop emotions, I can't. I just can't. I can't start to love you when you want to restart, and I can't stop loving you when you decide to end it. Again.

Yes I do know that you are like that, that whereas some people gets damn angry and do their thing, your thing happens to be this. It however cannot always be like this can it?

Here and there, I am good. This morning it was good. But a walk around Chinatown proves to be a bit too much, because all those interesting shops around Keong Saik, Club Street and Ann Siang just reminds me of you. Of how much I want to bring you to all these places. And I bought you a postcard. I wanted to get you a book, then I remembered how you tell me that all the things I made for you are the most priceless, so I thought maybe I'll make you something else.

T said his mom, despite 5 million complains about his dad, would always say "Your dad loves me and dotes on me in ways that you children can't see". And then I remember how you went through sooooo much trouble just to get me a birthday present, we literally went around Singapore because you just wanted to get me that ONE present, it cannot be anything else. And I remembered how despite you hating to club, you would always stay with me till 3am, because it just dawned upon me that you just wanted to accompany me.

I am trying to breathe, and trust me, I am trying my best to be patient, to wait for you to be ok. But patience is not my virtue. Especially not when I do not how long the wait is going to be, or will the wait be over.

I am always going to be here, aren't I?

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夜深了我怎么办？寂寞了谁在身旁？

Because for the 3rd consecutive boxing days in a row, I am single. Every single boxing day I assure you. Its so ironic its almost funny, if not for the fact that I am strangely emotion-less I would be laughing my ass of and how sardonic life is.

And there I was last night, skyping with D, comforting each other when we both realized that this is the 2nd christmas where its almost the same scene with the same characters and a similar script. And so we were tearing and then amused at what a joke this is.

The original note I intended to write was to thank all my friends for being there for me through yet another year. and as with all years there are the good and the bad. And I am thankful for finishing the year and I look forward to another year, and be happy.

But now as I pen this slightly different note, I am even more reflective of how turbulent the year was, and even more thankful of all my loved ones, and my supposed love one.

I really don't know what else to say here. I feel in limbo, I am not even angry. I am bewildered and disappointed. That after 4 years, I am still not family, that he would bail yet again, that there is still trust issue, and that he would not want to even want to work it out. That his degree is more important than his supposed family (read: me) I am of course painfully understanding of the fact that a lot is at stake over the degree, but there are other things in life isn't it?

And if he feels that I'm not worth the effort and the time, then it does say quite a fair bit doesn't it? If after so many trials and tribulations, after being by his side through everything, thick and thin, good times and bad times, I am still not worth fighting for, then maybe... just maybe.

I am really a very simple boy. I might be exceedingly competitive and sometimes I even annoy myself, but I am very simple, I appreciate the very simple things in life. I don't even go out much. As long as I can spend time with him, i am already very happy. Chemistry and respect is all that I look for in a relationship.

JC however said something very enlightening, that we can make all the lists we want about things we look for and things we cannot compromise, but it just doesn't work like that. There can be only the one thing we look for and that can cancel out all the things we cannot compromise, like how in the episode of friends, where Ross wrote down in his list of why he should NOT get together with the chinese girl, he wrote: "She's not Rachel"

I ALWAYS make my current relationship the one, I have NEVER believed in looking out for a better one to come along, which is why I work hard, I fight for us.

What does this mean? I don't know. We'll see. But now, I am in limbo, with no discernible emotions. Just nothing-ness, really.

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无尽无尽的夜晚, 爱在舌尖上打转
对爱渴望, 那么向往, 那么困难

Its honestly getting up my nerves. I don't like all this politicking, and I stay out of it. By not engaging or standing firm and be polite and civil. But truth be told, ruthless people do climb faster because they step all over other people.

People who play politics are just like bully. If one does not stand up to them, they win, time and again. For the moment that is. We all know what happens to bullies. Its about time we stood up to the woman who has been playing too much politics in office.

And of course trying to get the rest of us fired/quit.

Like I said, if she was not pregnant, I would make sure she is out there begging. But she is, and her child is innocent. I wonder what did the poor kid did to deserve a mother like that.

but i have nothing to say.

A few months ago, when I was massively enjoying myself in Melbourne (and also robbing my dear friends of their precious time), I decidedly ask them how they felt being overseas. Specifically i asked, "Taking family out of the equation, where would you rather be? Melbourne or Singapore?" The answer was quite unanimous. Melbourne.

Note that these people are settled there as students, needing to pay for rent, food and surviving on their allowance from the work that they do in the lab as part of their candidature. That has led me thinking, if other Singaporeans overseas feel the same way. If we do not consider the fact that our family is in Singapore, or that they are not ready to be uprooted, will they choose to be somewhere else, or be back in Singapore.

I mean I can't speak for everyone, but I know for me, if I take family out of the equation, I wouldn't want to be here. So maybe not really anywhere else, like I doubt I ever want to settle down in Iraq or North Korea or Afghanistan for that very matter but you get my drift.

And why did I decide to write this note? Mainly in respond to today's article on ST where they reported on a UBS report on how Singaporeans are faring worse than before based on income and price of goods here in Singapore as compared to other cities in the world. As per every survey and study out there, there are bound to be limitations but it is indeed striking that the people who "wonders" at the accuracy of the study are people who has vested interest in claiming so, namely the MPs. Of course, there are other analyst who gave more constructive criticism, but the MPs comments are really, just so far off constructive at all, and all they say are government aid... oh yeah...

I can't say that I am the most well travelled person around, nor have I lived in many different cities of the world for long periods of time to come to a fair conclusion, and this is mainly from my somewhat limited overseas exposure. But when we add everything up (and remember that family is out of this equation), Singapore really is becoming a place I would rather not be in, and not call this place home. Sure there are things to miss about Singapore, but exactly what do you miss here? As far as I can tell from the National Day video of people (some of them forced) who are living overseas, its the food. Yeah a nation where we "grew" up in, and all we miss is the Char Kuay Teow and the Chicken Rice. Says a lot doesn't it? And if food is really what you are missing, learn how to cook it, or if you are in Melbourne, just hop down to any of the fantastic eatery to eat nicer than Singapore Singapore food. Sure it cost 4 times more, but have you seen the damn serving size of that?

Oh what else? How about things are really much more expensive here. Like how my lab series for men cost double in Singapore as compared to New York? Sure we have relatively cheap public transport when we compare it Sydney (which is RIDICULOUSLY expensive BTW - a train ride cost me AUD9 return for a ride to the Olympic Park) or New York, or San Fran, or wherever, and cab rides are cheaper here too. But just for a moment, think about the people who are making a living providing such service, surely they deserve a decent standard of living. And of course cars are much cheaper elsewhere. Both owning AND driving them. Parking them in the city is ridiculously expensive though.

Taking the train in the morning drives me up the wall with the smell, the sight, the noise and every damn thing. The crowd on the weekends make New York feel empty. And this city is just uninspiring. Too organized, too repressive, too pretentious, trying too hard. Changes are just lip service. Oh sure Lee Hsien Loong says young people should be more daring and take part in politics. Yeah PAP politics you mean. Try to be like me, and see the repercussion that you face. Sure maybe he meant it, but the incredulously FAT civil servants and their bureaucracy will not think the same.

Speaking of which, has anyone ever tried to call them to get redirected to somewhere else where you get redirected to somewhere and at 4.30pm, they stop working because they need to get ready to leave work at 6pm?

I see HDBs, and I see prison cells. People who are locked in sameness for 30 years, because of the loan they have to take. But that is if you are heterosexual and married. If not you'll need to live with your parents till you are 35, by which time one probably needs to start taking Viagra to have sex. Of course this place is good for some other people. People who rich, people who are white, people who are rich AND white. Great place to be in, cheap labour, low income tax and low taxes in general which affects the business people.

I am ranty, and just spouting whatever comes to my mind. But we need to have dreams and we need to live out our dreams, and not be comfortable, and be locked in to 30 years of home loans. And not be average: graduate, work, marriage, house, car, kids, die.

I haven't written anything nor spoken to many people on this, of course there are some of my friends who has heard way too much about this. so I am not sure why this is coming on here. Maybe its safer than my blogspot, because the person who should read this would not be reading this.

So why am writing here instead of on a pen and paper diary? I have no idea. I suppose typing is indeed easier than writing. And so typing it down here might be a sort of catharsis? Do I even need a catharsis since its been already nearly 2 months.

2 months and I am not better. Am I worse? I am not sure, but what I know is that this is not like before whereby I get all emotional and all drama and then all is fine in 2 weeks. This time it is not. Maybe I'll end up being like this for a long long time, maybe not I am not sure. All I can say is that periods of peace comes with periods of aches.

This time round, the fault is only mine. I broke a trust that was so difficult to built, and the hurt must have been deep. The mental images must have been disturbing. What goes on behind that strong front of yours, I can only imagine. But what I can bring to the table is that I've learnt my lesson and that I would never ever do it again, because I am scared shitless, because I've learnt my lesson. The chemistry, the understanding, the bond, the connection of families and friends, the 100% comfort with each other is what I bring to the table.

Meeting you was an absolute stroke of fate and destiny in a way. The most impossible period of time, we met. We developed in an even more impossible way and throughout the really difficult long distance, we survived. But we didn't survive. The "model couple" could not work it out. The situation is in such a mess right now, I am sure while we're all ok, I don't think anyone of us is really ok. Maybe the time is now for me to move away for awhile, just to give you time to miss me. It might take awhile but that's ok. I can wait. Because I need to have some faith in myself also.

I know you love me still, and I am really thankful to know how much our relationship means to you, and how much i meant and still means to you. Perhaps being around too often does not do any of us good, so here's to me slowly moving away. For the strength to continue on this journey, to which I know the ending.

I want you back, some time in the future I know you'll be.

I loved you, I love you, and I will still do.

"Close to heart, closer still
Far apart, still I feel
Yearn to touch, miles apart
Touch my heart, heart to heart"
- Jem, Scott (20 Jul 2008)

you know you are gay when:

1. your bag is coveted by your sis and your mom
2. you use sister's blusher
3. you know more about beauty than your sis and mom combined
4. they need your stamp of approval before stepping out of the house
5. when you listen to kylie's in my arms, you start shaking to every single beat!!!!! with THAT look on your face

Test test....