but i have nothing to say.

A few months ago, when I was massively enjoying myself in Melbourne (and also robbing my dear friends of their precious time), I decidedly ask them how they felt being overseas. Specifically i asked, "Taking family out of the equation, where would you rather be? Melbourne or Singapore?" The answer was quite unanimous. Melbourne.

Note that these people are settled there as students, needing to pay for rent, food and surviving on their allowance from the work that they do in the lab as part of their candidature. That has led me thinking, if other Singaporeans overseas feel the same way. If we do not consider the fact that our family is in Singapore, or that they are not ready to be uprooted, will they choose to be somewhere else, or be back in Singapore.

I mean I can't speak for everyone, but I know for me, if I take family out of the equation, I wouldn't want to be here. So maybe not really anywhere else, like I doubt I ever want to settle down in Iraq or North Korea or Afghanistan for that very matter but you get my drift.

And why did I decide to write this note? Mainly in respond to today's article on ST where they reported on a UBS report on how Singaporeans are faring worse than before based on income and price of goods here in Singapore as compared to other cities in the world. As per every survey and study out there, there are bound to be limitations but it is indeed striking that the people who "wonders" at the accuracy of the study are people who has vested interest in claiming so, namely the MPs. Of course, there are other analyst who gave more constructive criticism, but the MPs comments are really, just so far off constructive at all, and all they say are government aid... oh yeah...

I can't say that I am the most well travelled person around, nor have I lived in many different cities of the world for long periods of time to come to a fair conclusion, and this is mainly from my somewhat limited overseas exposure. But when we add everything up (and remember that family is out of this equation), Singapore really is becoming a place I would rather not be in, and not call this place home. Sure there are things to miss about Singapore, but exactly what do you miss here? As far as I can tell from the National Day video of people (some of them forced) who are living overseas, its the food. Yeah a nation where we "grew" up in, and all we miss is the Char Kuay Teow and the Chicken Rice. Says a lot doesn't it? And if food is really what you are missing, learn how to cook it, or if you are in Melbourne, just hop down to any of the fantastic eatery to eat nicer than Singapore Singapore food. Sure it cost 4 times more, but have you seen the damn serving size of that?

Oh what else? How about things are really much more expensive here. Like how my lab series for men cost double in Singapore as compared to New York? Sure we have relatively cheap public transport when we compare it Sydney (which is RIDICULOUSLY expensive BTW - a train ride cost me AUD9 return for a ride to the Olympic Park) or New York, or San Fran, or wherever, and cab rides are cheaper here too. But just for a moment, think about the people who are making a living providing such service, surely they deserve a decent standard of living. And of course cars are much cheaper elsewhere. Both owning AND driving them. Parking them in the city is ridiculously expensive though.

Taking the train in the morning drives me up the wall with the smell, the sight, the noise and every damn thing. The crowd on the weekends make New York feel empty. And this city is just uninspiring. Too organized, too repressive, too pretentious, trying too hard. Changes are just lip service. Oh sure Lee Hsien Loong says young people should be more daring and take part in politics. Yeah PAP politics you mean. Try to be like me, and see the repercussion that you face. Sure maybe he meant it, but the incredulously FAT civil servants and their bureaucracy will not think the same.

Speaking of which, has anyone ever tried to call them to get redirected to somewhere else where you get redirected to somewhere and at 4.30pm, they stop working because they need to get ready to leave work at 6pm?

I see HDBs, and I see prison cells. People who are locked in sameness for 30 years, because of the loan they have to take. But that is if you are heterosexual and married. If not you'll need to live with your parents till you are 35, by which time one probably needs to start taking Viagra to have sex. Of course this place is good for some other people. People who rich, people who are white, people who are rich AND white. Great place to be in, cheap labour, low income tax and low taxes in general which affects the business people.

I am ranty, and just spouting whatever comes to my mind. But we need to have dreams and we need to live out our dreams, and not be comfortable, and be locked in to 30 years of home loans. And not be average: graduate, work, marriage, house, car, kids, die.

I haven't written anything nor spoken to many people on this, of course there are some of my friends who has heard way too much about this. so I am not sure why this is coming on here. Maybe its safer than my blogspot, because the person who should read this would not be reading this.

So why am writing here instead of on a pen and paper diary? I have no idea. I suppose typing is indeed easier than writing. And so typing it down here might be a sort of catharsis? Do I even need a catharsis since its been already nearly 2 months.

2 months and I am not better. Am I worse? I am not sure, but what I know is that this is not like before whereby I get all emotional and all drama and then all is fine in 2 weeks. This time it is not. Maybe I'll end up being like this for a long long time, maybe not I am not sure. All I can say is that periods of peace comes with periods of aches.

This time round, the fault is only mine. I broke a trust that was so difficult to built, and the hurt must have been deep. The mental images must have been disturbing. What goes on behind that strong front of yours, I can only imagine. But what I can bring to the table is that I've learnt my lesson and that I would never ever do it again, because I am scared shitless, because I've learnt my lesson. The chemistry, the understanding, the bond, the connection of families and friends, the 100% comfort with each other is what I bring to the table.

Meeting you was an absolute stroke of fate and destiny in a way. The most impossible period of time, we met. We developed in an even more impossible way and throughout the really difficult long distance, we survived. But we didn't survive. The "model couple" could not work it out. The situation is in such a mess right now, I am sure while we're all ok, I don't think anyone of us is really ok. Maybe the time is now for me to move away for awhile, just to give you time to miss me. It might take awhile but that's ok. I can wait. Because I need to have some faith in myself also.

I know you love me still, and I am really thankful to know how much our relationship means to you, and how much i meant and still means to you. Perhaps being around too often does not do any of us good, so here's to me slowly moving away. For the strength to continue on this journey, to which I know the ending.

I want you back, some time in the future I know you'll be.

I loved you, I love you, and I will still do.

"Close to heart, closer still
Far apart, still I feel
Yearn to touch, miles apart
Touch my heart, heart to heart"
- Jem, Scott (20 Jul 2008)

you know you are gay when:

1. your bag is coveted by your sis and your mom
2. you use sister's blusher
3. you know more about beauty than your sis and mom combined
4. they need your stamp of approval before stepping out of the house
5. when you listen to kylie's in my arms, you start shaking to every single beat!!!!! with THAT look on your face

Test test....